My daughter is now 9 years old. I am finally beginning to feel like myself again, although I still have a ways to go. I’m not sure I’ll ever be who I was before giving birth to my daughter. I am forever changed. But, I am starting to see glimmers of my old self again. I can go out at night, and not worry endlessly about what’s going on with my daughter, to the point where I have a death grip on my phone in case the babysitter needs me. I still have the phone on the table, but I’m not staring it it 24/7. I can actually enjoy a dinner without that sinking feeling in my stomach knowing my baby is at home without me. I still worry – I will worry forever – but the worry is less and more manageable. I have learned to trust others taking care of her. I feel comfortable entrusting my parents with her for a few nights, as well as some limited sleepovers with close friends. I never thought this would be possible for me, but it is now.
New Mom, there were times when I sat up at night, by myself, for hours with my two-week-old baby, rocking her back and forth, tears running down my face. Tears of joy, and tears of absolute terror. My husband was on tour, and I was responsible for this little bundle of life all by myself for four-five day spans, in the first weeks of her life. I was tired. My hair hadn’t seen a brush in days. I hadn’t slept more than three hours straight in weeks. I don’t think I actually wore anything other than sweatpants for a month after she was born. I began to think, “is it going to be like this forever?” as tears ran down my face, and I fought my restless newborn baby back to sleep, as the days and the nights blended together. The short answer is “no”. My baby now sleeps for 10-12 hour stretches and I wear regular clothes. I wear make-up. I even know what day of the week it is (most of the time).
However, there will always be a new challenge once another has past. This will continue forever. But the weeks (or months) of sleepless nights, and the feeling like you may never have one ounce of your “self” back, do not continue. You will not feel like a drowned, hot mess, forever. The times you head to Target to run errands, only to discover you have baby puke down your back and crusted in your hair, will not continue. Your children will always come first, but you will have time for yourself again. I actually have time (and energy) to do my hair in the morning. Ok, not all mornings, but most mornings.
I have figured out how to multitask like no body’s business, and can brush my teeth, put on eyeshadow, while singing Mary Had a Little Lamb, holding a baby on my hip, and also kicking a ball for the dog. (I only wish I was kidding about this). I could carry a car seat with a baby in it, a diaper bag, three bags of groceries, and my purse into the house all at once, still leaving a free hand to unlock the door. You just figure it out. New Mom, you will adjust and you will figure it out. I promise. If I did, you can too. When you think “I can’t…” you CAN. Trust me. Now I’m helping carry backpacks full of school books. How quickly that changes.
You probably wonder if you’ll ever go out in public again without worrying whether or not your child will scream or fuss. You will get over this (for the most part). If your baby is babbling in the middle of church, or screaming in a grocery store, people get it – they don’t look at you and think “Look at that horrible mother with the screaming kid.” No. They think, “I remember when my daughter/son was that small.” It bothers you more than it bothers anyone else. Also, your child will not always scream in public places. Soon enough they’ll be feeding themselves and stealing food off your plate. Eventually, they’ll even be able to cook for themselves and drive themselves to the store. I believe it was Trace Adkins who said “You’re going to miss this, you’re going to want this back.”
New Mom, I know the first months are hard. I feel that people are not honest with one another about how challenging life with a newborn can be. New Mom, I want you to know that you are not alone. New Mom, you see sweet newborn photos of babies on Instagram, but don’t realize that the mother behind that shot (like you) hasn’t slept in two days, has shooting pain in her back, is living off of meals brought over by family and friends, and can barely sit down on a hard surface without cringing. New Mom, your body is completely out of whack, and you are adjusting to taking care of another human, making sure they survive to see the next day. And if you are breastfeeding, you are on on demand 24/7 for feedings. Please be kind and patient with yourself.
New Mom, you may get very frustrated, and that is ok. It is ok to lay your inconsolable screaming baby down in her crib, for a couple of minutes and take some deep breaths. It is OK to call in the reinforcement (ie: family and friends to give you a break). This does not make you a bad Mom. It is hard to be on-demand 24/7. Being a Mom is hard. My husband was (and still is) a HUGE help with our daughter, and it is still hard. It is hard for everyone. If they say it wasn’t ever difficult, they are lying. However, amidst all the difficulty, it is the most wonderful thing that a human could ever experience: to bring another human being into this world. I’ve known no greater love than that of my love for my daughter. And just when you think you can’t possibly love someone any more than you already do, you wake up the next day and the love is stronger than the day before.
New Mom, no one said it would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it. And it is. It is all worth it.
